Even If It Makes Me Cry

Friday, June 24, 2011

Once upon a time, I was a 135 pound, size eight, 27 year-old bride to be.  That's a picture of me, then, at my baccalaureate party.  Five years and two kids later, I'm tipping the scales at a much higher number than I wish to share.  I got married in 2006, had my daughter in 2008 and my son in 2010.  I had both of my children via C-section.  But now it's been over a year since my son was born and it's time to lay the "I've had two kids" excuse to rest.

The fact is, I've struggled with my weight since high school.  I've been up.  I've been down.  For most of my late teens and early twenties I bounced around between 120 and up to 150 before I got in decent shape for my wedding.  Keep in mind that I'm only 5'1", so 150 was heavier for me than it would be for a taller woman.  I actually started putting weight back on before I got pregnant with Kaiya.  I was careless.  We had started trying for her right after the wedding and I kind of had it in my mind that I was going to get pregnant and gain weight anyway, so why bother working too hard on my weight right now?  Not the wisest choice on my part.  I was back up to around 150 when I finally got pregnant with Kaiya and gained 50lbs during my first pregnancy.  Yes, I broke the 200lb mark (while pregnant).  I did lose a lot of the weight after she was born, but never got back below 150.  Then came Carson.  At least I didn't break 200 with him, but I did put on about 35lbs.  I lost some of it, but now, 14 months after the birth of my second child, the body of my past seems like such a distant memory. 

Being overweight sucks!  I hate it.  I hate looking in the mirror most days and I hate trying to find clothes that I feel good in.  Some days I am really hard on myself, and it really gets me down.  I do not like the way my body looks.  It affects me on a day-to-day basis.  I know I'm the only one who can fix it.  One good thing is that I still don't have to shop plus sizes.  I promised myself I never would.  If I'm going to keep that promise to myself, I have to fix it now.  I feel like I'm at a point right now where I have to draw the line.  I cannot let it go any longer.  I cannot make any more excuses for myself.  I need to just do it.

Four days ago, I started Insanity®.  This is the first time that I can remember (since my days in the National Guard, anyway) that I've worked out for more than two consecutive days (let alone 4!).  I will do the Day 5 workout tonight and I will do the Day 6 workout tomorrow.  And I will do the entire 60-day challenge, resting only one day per week.   I cried (just a tiny bit) on day 3.  It is a hard workout.  I'll probably cry again.  But I'm sticking with it and I'm going to like my body again.

Follow me on my journey, if you like.  I'll be posting updates and, eventually, pictures of my progress.  I'm not yet comfortable posting a "before" pic, but I think I will be once I can say, "That used to be me."

7 comments:

rebecca said...

Girl, I know how you feel. I am 5'7" and was always 145 pounds my whole life. When I got pregnant, I got to 190 and then for my wedding, I lost a bunch and back down to 155 on my wedding day working out for 11 months six days a week for 2 hours a day.
Now, I have put back all that weight and now 182 and the doctor told me I am highly obese and for someone my height, I should be 130 to be considered normal. It really is hard to work out since i work about 50 hours a week but I have been trying to. I love the gym. but I hate that their daycare hours are so bad with my schedule. It sux, otherwise I would be there all the time. Everyone says I look great and don't even look overweight, but I sure as hell feel like it and it sux

Family Centsability said...

At 18, beginning college, I was 5'1, 120lbs..and took it for granted.
At 23, pre-baby, I was 135lbs, a bit unhappy about it because all the chub was in the wrong places.
At 24, post baby by 1 month, I am 145 lbs and ready to shed it! I want to get back where I was when I began college. I know it's going to take a lot of work but since I have had 1 month of not being able to do anything until it is cleared by my doctor.. I think I have more motivation than ever. But now I am exhausted all the time and don't want to spend my free time walking or jogging on the treadmill..but I need to. Hopefully you and I are able to keep it up and be happy with our bodies again! I don't want my son to be an only child like myself and want them to be close enough in age to each other that I will have another baby in the next year or two more than likely.. but I want to be fit before that happens... Easier said than done though. I'm ready to feel good about myself again though before I go back to feeling like a whale with another baby in my belly! :)

visiting back from my blog at Family Centsability. I fixed my links in my 'about me' page and I will go find your facebook now and link it there for ya! www.facebook.com/familycentsability incase I don't find your fb page

Olah Momma! said...

I tried vegetable (mostly), meat once a month. I worked. Don't feel starved, it's all in your mind. Eat high in fiber foods, let it be your mission:)

Following your lovely blog. You may also visit Olah Momma! (http://olahmomma.com), or our Momma's Lounge (http://olahmomma.com/momlounge) to join and mingle with moms.

PetitBebe said...

Good on you. Stopping by from Toot your own Horn blog stroll.

Thrifty Ninja said...

Stopping by from TYOH! :) Following via GFC, please stop by my blog as well! http://thriftyninja.net

Debbie said...

I can so relate! It's hard to keep blaming it on baby weight when your baby is in elementary school. It took some serious determination and a complete change of my diet habits to finally lose it. You can do it!!!

I found you on TYOH. My blog is just starting and would love to have you come for a visit :P)
http://www.designedexpressions.com/blog

About A Mom said...

Hi! I have similar struggles with weight. Best of luck to you! I am a new follower from the weekend hop! So glad I found your blog! Please stop by http://aboutamom.com to say hi & return follow! :)

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